I think it is unfair. That it is unfair that I couldn't go through what everyone else did. To learn what it is to love someone without being afraid of what people might say, what they might do. I could never love or hold, or cherish and feel the pain of love, till recently. I feel like a newly hatched bird straight out of the milky shell. Everything I experience is new and exciting. The feelings are amplified by the alienness of them. Nobody told me how it would feel. Nobody told me about the torture of seeing somebody you loved get ripped away. Nobody told me it would feel like plummeting downwards into a pit of jagged rocks. Nobody could. Nobody understands.

.

I wanna make this clear.
I usually don't care if I'm not.
I just want you to know, that I like you.

You don't have to like me back.
And it is fine.
No, really I am fine.

You promised that we would try.
I don't care if it is hard.
Yeah well, I cared.

Shut up.
Go away.
No.

.

Since it is 2016 already, I'll share 16 things that I've learnt.

1. It is okay to be 'stereotypically' you. Fuck them haters y'all. So what if you want a grande pumpkin spice latte? You're the one that going to enjoy it, and it's all encompassing warm pumpkin-y cinnamon-tastic flavour. 

2. You are enough. Who said that you had to get straight As or be at least good in one sport to be successful in life? You set your own goals, you push yourself to what you feel is your goal, you achieve them and you will be happier.

3. Laugh at yourself. Fell down? Well, brush it off an have a good laugh. This way, people can't be laughing at you because you would be laughing together, which means that, they would be laughing with you. Logic.

4. Cry sometimes. Ball your eyes out. Who cares, at least now they know you ain't a robot. Just don't let depression become you. Emotions are fine and all but you need them to work together to be mental healthy. (credits to Inside Out)

5. Fall in love. Not with people that is. People suck. Fall in love with something that makes you happy, sing loudly and dance like your mental. You do you buddy.

6. Have sex. I mean people suck but like they also suck dicks. As long as you use protection, and it is between 2 consenting people, then carry on fucking. 

7. Treat yourself. You ain't gonna live forever. You wanna eat that slice of cake but prom is in two weeks? You can crop pictures, and you can also crop yourself a slice of that triple layer chocolate cake. 

8. Take a walk. Worried about a test coming up? Worried about auditions for the new cheer-squad? Worry you might have eaten the entire cake by "accident"? Take a walk, it will help with the nerves and indigestion. 

9. Scream. Walking just doesn't seem like enough to curve that stress ball? Well grab a pillow, or if you live near some woods, shout, scream, cry as fucking loud as you can. I promise you will only seem partially hysterical.

10. Just do it! Want to try the 'Single Men's Club' in school? Wanna try out an edgy hairstyle? JUST DO IT. You can leave it if you don't like the idea of being surrounded by single people, and hair will also grow back. 

11. Cut that shit out. If your 're really not into that subject you know you really don't need for college, or if there is someone in you life making it difficult to turn that frown upside down, cut them out. Just like your food baby, crop that shit out. Ain't nobody wanna see that.

12. Sleep. Tired? Take a goddamn nap. Life won't seem as bad once you wake up, I mean if you actually do wake up. *cue horror movie noise*

13. Meet new people. People can do a lot of things. Like cook food for you. I think that is a valid reason to make friends.

14. Eat healthy sometimes. Sure live your life. But I for one does not want to life my life with diabetes. Eat some green shit, your shits will be much more pleasant.

15. Be real. People are gonna like you for you, there ain't no need for you to pretend to be someone you aren't. Diversity keeps life interesting and you are interesting, at least I hope.

16. Balance is key. Proportion is key! Being happy requires a level mind and soul. Zen the fuck out. Trust me. Maybe. 

With tons of love and cake,

Ez

 

 

Every time I see your face,
It feels like my already torn pieces are shredded once again,
The feeling of being invalid in your eyes
makes it hard to breath.

You don't even acknowledge my presence,
Not anymore.
How foolish of me to think that you would ever hold any respect for me,
I am nothing but a damaged package you get to throw out.

I could never be someone you cared about,
Because of your fear for me.
And so you decided that the only course of action would be to hurt me?
That is no valid excuse.

You do not drop something just because it became emotional,
Why don't you never let yourself feel anything?
I, the idiot, that thought you could,
And I, that same idiot, always ending up hurt.

I really liked you.

I really fucking did.

It didn't matter to me that you didn't care.

It didn't matter that you didn't give a crap about me. 

To me you were enough.

All I seem to do now is beat myself up thinking about what I could have done,

What I did do, what I shouldn't have, wouldn't have if you just told me.

"Whatever" is not an answer, "Forget about everything" do you know how much it hurts?

Yeah, maybe you were right, I knew you weren't into guys,

But there were other fucking ways,

You hurt me so fucking much, 

It feels like you killed a part of me.

All I wanted was you to be honest with me,

No you were not cool when I told you I liked you,

You promised, you would be.

Please. 

Water

Life sometimes makes me feel like,

I am trying to breath in water.

The slow painful agony of feeling,

Hopeless, alone, 

Like water entering my lungs,

Like water clouding my vision.

Drowned in problems I can't solve.

Drowned in feelings I can't express.

The idea that I could lose myself,

lose myself to the current,

Scares me. 

The thoughts of worry, 

And my fears,

Hit me like unrelenting waves,

Each bring me deeper, closer, 

To a place I do not want to be,

A place I cannot be. 

But, I don't know how to swim. 

 

Should I?

I was actually planning to write about my opinions on politics but then I realised, BRUH this ain't that kind of blog lol. All while dreaming of cheesy wedges. Should I or should I not? Damn I don't wanna say something wrong about like perhaps the finer points to fascism, or radical liberalism, although with politics these days who knows anymore. In my opinion, I think we are all pretty fucked. If anybody wants to hear what a 17 year old has to say about politics please do comment down below, or don't.

cheers,
Ez