I think it is unfair. That it is unfair that I couldn't go through what everyone else did. To learn what it is to love someone without being afraid of what people might say, what they might do. I could never love or hold, or cherish and feel the pain of love, till recently. I feel like a newly hatched bird straight out of the milky shell. Everything I experience is new and exciting. The feelings are amplified by the alienness of them. Nobody told me how it would feel. Nobody told me about the torture of seeing somebody you loved get ripped away. Nobody told me it would feel like plummeting downwards into a pit of jagged rocks. Nobody could. Nobody understands.

.

I wanna make this clear.
I usually don't care if I'm not.
I just want you to know, that I like you.

You don't have to like me back.
And it is fine.
No, really I am fine.

You promised that we would try.
I don't care if it is hard.
Yeah well, I cared.

Shut up.
Go away.
No.

.

Since it is 2016 already, I'll share 16 things that I've learnt.

1. It is okay to be 'stereotypically' you. Fuck them haters y'all. So what if you want a grande pumpkin spice latte? You're the one that going to enjoy it, and it's all encompassing warm pumpkin-y cinnamon-tastic flavour. 

2. You are enough. Who said that you had to get straight As or be at least good in one sport to be successful in life? You set your own goals, you push yourself to what you feel is your goal, you achieve them and you will be happier.

3. Laugh at yourself. Fell down? Well, brush it off an have a good laugh. This way, people can't be laughing at you because you would be laughing together, which means that, they would be laughing with you. Logic.

4. Cry sometimes. Ball your eyes out. Who cares, at least now they know you ain't a robot. Just don't let depression become you. Emotions are fine and all but you need them to work together to be mental healthy. (credits to Inside Out)

5. Fall in love. Not with people that is. People suck. Fall in love with something that makes you happy, sing loudly and dance like your mental. You do you buddy.

6. Have sex. I mean people suck but like they also suck dicks. As long as you use protection, and it is between 2 consenting people, then carry on fucking. 

7. Treat yourself. You ain't gonna live forever. You wanna eat that slice of cake but prom is in two weeks? You can crop pictures, and you can also crop yourself a slice of that triple layer chocolate cake. 

8. Take a walk. Worried about a test coming up? Worried about auditions for the new cheer-squad? Worry you might have eaten the entire cake by "accident"? Take a walk, it will help with the nerves and indigestion. 

9. Scream. Walking just doesn't seem like enough to curve that stress ball? Well grab a pillow, or if you live near some woods, shout, scream, cry as fucking loud as you can. I promise you will only seem partially hysterical.

10. Just do it! Want to try the 'Single Men's Club' in school? Wanna try out an edgy hairstyle? JUST DO IT. You can leave it if you don't like the idea of being surrounded by single people, and hair will also grow back. 

11. Cut that shit out. If your 're really not into that subject you know you really don't need for college, or if there is someone in you life making it difficult to turn that frown upside down, cut them out. Just like your food baby, crop that shit out. Ain't nobody wanna see that.

12. Sleep. Tired? Take a goddamn nap. Life won't seem as bad once you wake up, I mean if you actually do wake up. *cue horror movie noise*

13. Meet new people. People can do a lot of things. Like cook food for you. I think that is a valid reason to make friends.

14. Eat healthy sometimes. Sure live your life. But I for one does not want to life my life with diabetes. Eat some green shit, your shits will be much more pleasant.

15. Be real. People are gonna like you for you, there ain't no need for you to pretend to be someone you aren't. Diversity keeps life interesting and you are interesting, at least I hope.

16. Balance is key. Proportion is key! Being happy requires a level mind and soul. Zen the fuck out. Trust me. Maybe. 

With tons of love and cake,

Ez

 

 

Every time I see your face,
It feels like my already torn pieces are shredded once again,
The feeling of being invalid in your eyes
makes it hard to breath.

You don't even acknowledge my presence,
Not anymore.
How foolish of me to think that you would ever hold any respect for me,
I am nothing but a damaged package you get to throw out.

I could never be someone you cared about,
Because of your fear for me.
And so you decided that the only course of action would be to hurt me?
That is no valid excuse.

You do not drop something just because it became emotional,
Why don't you never let yourself feel anything?
I, the idiot, that thought you could,
And I, that same idiot, always ending up hurt.

I really liked you.

I really fucking did.

It didn't matter to me that you didn't care.

It didn't matter that you didn't give a crap about me. 

To me you were enough.

All I seem to do now is beat myself up thinking about what I could have done,

What I did do, what I shouldn't have, wouldn't have if you just told me.

"Whatever" is not an answer, "Forget about everything" do you know how much it hurts?

Yeah, maybe you were right, I knew you weren't into guys,

But there were other fucking ways,

You hurt me so fucking much, 

It feels like you killed a part of me.

All I wanted was you to be honest with me,

No you were not cool when I told you I liked you,

You promised, you would be.

Please. 

Water

Life sometimes makes me feel like,

I am trying to breath in water.

The slow painful agony of feeling,

Hopeless, alone, 

Like water entering my lungs,

Like water clouding my vision.

Drowned in problems I can't solve.

Drowned in feelings I can't express.

The idea that I could lose myself,

lose myself to the current,

Scares me. 

The thoughts of worry, 

And my fears,

Hit me like unrelenting waves,

Each bring me deeper, closer, 

To a place I do not want to be,

A place I cannot be. 

But, I don't know how to swim. 

 

Should I?

I was actually planning to write about my opinions on politics but then I realised, BRUH this ain't that kind of blog lol. All while dreaming of cheesy wedges. Should I or should I not? Damn I don't wanna say something wrong about like perhaps the finer points to fascism, or radical liberalism, although with politics these days who knows anymore. In my opinion, I think we are all pretty fucked. If anybody wants to hear what a 17 year old has to say about politics please do comment down below, or don't.

cheers,
Ez

Obsession

At the age of five,
I developed OCD. I would wash my hands.
Fifty times an hour.
Till I bled, till I rubbed myself raw.
I felt dirty, felt like it was the only thing I had control over.

At the age of fifteen,
I developed a liking for boys. I would hide it.
Everyday for twenty-four hours.
Till I pretended it didn't matter, till I would believe I didn't.
I felt dirty, felt so alone, I had to keep this under control.

At the age of eighteen,
I've forgotten that I am unhappy. I will laugh.
A dozen times per hour.
Till my chest would hurt, till I lose my breath.
I feel complete, feel so alive, I embrace myself for me.

I AM IN LOVE

I am infatuated with this girl. Her name is Racheal, Racheal Young. She has long black hair, blacker than a starless night, dryer than the sahara desert, straight as me. Her deep-set eyes, like two brown beads, her nose long and slender, her lips, bottom-heavy. 

She is so smart, reads more books than some libraries may hold. She has been to Italy and has become a fascist at heart. She reminds me of another girl, Shana. She loves to write, but prefers to burn her poetry into poetic ashes, before prying eyes may see the beauty of her words. She is so strongly willed, so passionate about what she loves, what she stands for, if only someone could be as passionate about death as her. Her sense of humour is often crude like raw oil.

But on a much serious note,

She is a friend I can rely on, well at lest she hasn't failed me yet. She secretly loves how much I care, but she doesn't show it, maybe because she is afraid I will fall in love with her more. She compliments me and tears me down at the same time. She is both simple and complex. I have never felt so differently for someone the way I have felt about Rachael. I think she does like me a tad bit more than she'll admit, because she is a lesbian after all.

I am in love with a lesbian, a smart, witty, kind, observant, beautiful, handsome, wonderful, emotional, lesbian.

With lots of love,  (Especially for Racheal)
Ez

I wish.

I wish I didn't try,

Try to turn you and me into us.

I wish I didn't hope,

Hope for the impossible.

I wish I didn't think,

Think of you so much.

I wish I didn't care,

Care when you kiss her.

I wish I could stop,

Stop my heart from breaking.

I wish I could leave,

Leave my thoughts for a bit.

I wish I could sing,

Sing a song less depressing.

I wish I could get,

Get over you already.

EW GROSS

If love is but metaphysical gravity,

Then you must be the Sun. 

You suspend me in the constant rotation of your pull,

Tricking me with your dizzying charm,

Tricking me into thinking, dreaming,  

Hoping that I will reach you eventually, 

Only to realise the balancing act you have created, 

Never lets us touch. 

If passion burns a fiery white, 

Then you must be a star. 

Your light that travels light-years and 

Stretches time itself,

Shines brightly in my field of black nothingness,

glimmering, singular, beautiful. 

But sadly, if I ever managed to find and meet you,

All I would find is a void of darker darkness. 

If you loved me, 

You would be my everything,

The food I would seek daily,

The air I so desperately need.

You would be the music, seeping through my soul.

The blood in my veins, give me life. 

If only you would see me,

if only you felt the same.  

 

Please

Please like me, 

Please enjoy my company.

We can sit together under the shade of a tree.

We can walk together, hand by hand, knee to knee.

Please let me listen to your woes and sorrows,

I promise to be there, for the, nows, laters and tomorrows.

Please tell me that I mean more to you,

Than any other thing. Tell me I already knew.

Knew that I am the gem you keep safe in your pocket,

or encased in a golden locket.

Please don't hurt me.

Please I beg thee,

Let my lonely soul be filled with glee.

Let the world know, let them see.  

Ez trys his hand at writing about other things other than himself.

I have realised that I only ever seem to write about myself. So I decided I would try my hand at writing fiction. Hope it is not too bad. X, Ez


'If only you knew.' the boy mumbled as a singular tear rolled down his left cheek. ' If only you knew how much you meant to me.'

It was in the hazy, sticky weather of a late summer night, the type of humid nights, that causes your clothes to sticky uncomfortably onto your skin, the type of nights, the noise of mosquitoes and cicadas seem to fill the air.

It was on that faithful night, that the boy decided to fix the shattered soul of another.

The boy remembered it well. He remembered the caterpillar speckled yellow and black crawling up the side of a palm tree, the way the individual segments moved in a single fluid motion, the way it's antenna swayed with each step it took. He remembered sitting on the grass of the hockey pitch, blankly staring at the starless sky, at the thin, crescent moon. Besides him was the remaining jagged shards of the other boy, limply, sitting, sobbing in the pale yellow light of the dusty moon.

'Why, did she do it? I loved her, I really did.' the other boy confessed, between the moans.

'I don't know.' The boy replied. He pulled out a clump of dry brown grass. 'Maybe it was all just a terrible accident. The way you two end up together. A costly mistake.' The boy realized his fingernails were now, chalked with dirt.

'I guess you're right,' said the other boy, lying down in the grass. The boy remembered how red his eyes were, the tightness of his chest as he cried, the wetness of sweat and tears. 'I guess I should've known, I don't deserve good things.'

'At least, you had something close to that.' mumbled the boy.

'Well, at least you didn't get hurt. These things. They're never really meant to be experienced, only faintly felt.'

The boy whispered, 'No, we deserve better.'

A cooler breeze brushed past the boy's cheeks. The breeze not only carried the heat, but the words the boy never told the broken soul. The three words he so desperately wanted to scream into the thick, hot air. He remembered the taste of sweat on his upper lip as he opened his mouth, but with the wind, it seemed, his words floated away, into the pale night sky.

The pile of broken pieces said, 'Thank you' to nobody in particular.

'It's fine.'

    

WILDEST WEEKEND EVER part uno

Over the prom weekend, my friends and I embarked on an epic journey. 

Me, Yolanda and Karl left our voluntary, educational jail in a taxi that had no air-conditioning. It was hot, and apparently so was the taxi driver, at least according to Karl. I remembered saying Yolanda's eyeliner could, "cut a man". We got of at the comically run-down train station. Got three tickets. Sat down on a line of seats facing a young indian couple with a beautiful baby boy and an elderly couple of same race. We took mandatory selfies and only received one angered stare from a Malay man, who made no effort in hiding his obvious disgust for our generation. 

At our stop, Karl had a date with a man and took off but promised to meet at Yolanda's by six. The mall attached to the station was me and Yolanda's oyster. We ate at a hipster cafe where a coke bottle costs 5 bucks. I bought some very nice hand lotion at bath and body works. Called a GrabCar. The female taxi driver was nice. At Yo's place, we discovered to our great horror the water pipes were not functioning. We then proceeded to seek the aid of the nice guards at the guard house below the apartment building. (Shout out to them!) Karl came back somewhere in between this time. We chilled out for the remainder of the afternoon, well until Karl decided it would a fantastic idea to drive Yolanda's family car out to the nearby mall. Yolanda prayed to God we would not die. I took a snapchat. In the end we took the taxi instead. I had a smoothie for dinner. After we got back Ricky our friend, managed to get us some weed. I got high for the first time, we put makeup on each other. I took an hour to make instant noodles. It was a safe and controlled situation the entire time. (Haters can you please back the fuck off) I think I passed out at around 2 am. 

Part one completed 

Yours,

Ez

Envy

I will never openly admit that I want an obnoxiously close, tight-knit family. You know the ones that send the entire neighborhood cheesy Christmas cards with them, on the cover of it, dressed as various types of reindeer. 

I will never say I want to feel comfortable to be open about things in my life. That I don't have to fear for my own personal well being and to have a fear of being completely disowned or worst them wanting to "fix me". 

I won't say that I want that in my life, because I will probably never have that. There's no point in me trying to convince them about something that they strongly are against. They would rather deny themselves and believe in other things that they consider true than face the fact that I am who I have always wanted to be, who I need to be and I can't and won't change for the sake of their happiness because I matter too. What I say matters, but no. Apparently it doesn't.

Yours truly,

Ez 

Inadequate

If there's one think I can safely say that I have learned, I guess it would be that I am and unfortunately will always be inadequate. I will never be enough.

For the straight guys I will never be enough. I will never be their first choice as a prom date, (yeah I'm still not over that back off) I will never be the one they would call more than a friend, and I don't have a vagina.

I'm inadequate to be "one of the girls". I don't understand periods, or the struggle of being a feminist in a world dominated by men. Some how they forget that I too struggle in a world dominated by people that are straight. Also, I don't have a vagina. 

For gays I will too never be enough, I'm to feminine, but still too masculine. I take pride in being myself and not just the fact that I am gay. I don't isolated myself in society. Fondly enough, the lack of a vagina makes it worst. 

I guess I'll have to be enough for myself then. 

Love,

Ez